Bastard eels à la @SJrestaurant

Theologically, all eels are bastards since they were specifically excluded from the marriage sacrament by the Synod of Whitby of 664AD. The monks decided that because eels look like serpents (see Christ J, The Serpent on the Mount for a fuller explanation), they are not allowed in church, which is why it was called the Diet of Worms. St Nicholas took advantage of this and enslaved the baby eels to work for him. The tradition is carried on in modern times by Father Christmas and his legion of unpaid elvers.
The eels I ate were smoked by someone in South England. This is done by stuffing them full of tobacco, lighting them at the mouth end and sucking their arsehole until they're done. Although the people employed to do this usually die young, it is probably no consolation to the eels.
It is interesting to note that a misunderstanding of the plight of the eels inspired Martin L. Gore to record his version of Motherless Child on the Counterfeit EP.
It is also worth noting that the original bastard files were made from dried eel fillets, which were prized for their abrasive properties. Queen Cleopatra's demise was actually brought about by one of these 'bastard rasps'. This has become corrupted down the ages. No-one knows exactly how she topped herself with a desiccated fish but many scholars contend it was a sharpened glass eel.
I chopped out a couple of lines of eel on this mirror and served them with mash and bacon. (The Complete Nose to Tail is a Very Good Book. Though I can't find anyone in Sheffield stocks Fernet Branca.)