no disassemble

This was my first evening meal since Wednesday (haven't been hungry), so thankfully it turned out tasty. It was: Waitrose Speedy Stroganoff. It features pork which is Ironic and Amusing, because the original Baron Stroganov, who invented the dish because he had half a tub of sour cream in the fridge that needed using, hated pork with a passion, following a Regrettable Incident involving Boar Taint when he was a young cavalry officer. You know what these young cavalry officers are like. The Incident resulted in the famous Russian drinking song 'тост за испорченные свиней', which I have loosely translated here

Once I drank with you

Now I'm drunk with you

This tainted hog you've give me

I gave you wine and ox's liver

Now you taint my tea and that's not nearly all!

Tainted hog (oh-oh-o-oh-oh)

Tainted hog! [all drain glasses]

The good Baron, Stroshka to his friends, Stroshkin to his many enemies, never forgot the incident and on his discharge from the Imperial Army caused untold suffering to the peasants on his Volga estates by forbidding the keeping of 'swine, sows, piglets and boars'. He was also responsible for the spread of Islam in the North Caucasus, on the grounds that 'the Musulman's faith is based on sound dietary principles and will bring nothing but good to the benighted peoples of the region'.

Captured by the Red Army in 1920, Stroganov at first denied his identity, claiming to be noted Englishman Arthur Conan Doyle. However, the wily Bolsheviks were not to be taken in so easily. Their suspicions aroused by Stroganov's poor knowledge of forensics, they introduced a rasher of streaky bacon into his breakfast panini. The poor nobleman failed to restrain his reflexive gip, and the commies knew at once they had their man. This is the origin of the phrase 'bringing home the bacon' and is why 'Rasha' was a popular nickname in the Soviet Union.

After ten years in the gulag, Stroshka, by now a shadow of his former self, managed to escape across a frozen lake. He hid for months in the taiga, rebuilding his strength on a diet of berries and reindeer, and finally emerged in 1931 a changed man. He stowed away in a boat to Alaska, from where he trekked down the Pacific seaboard to Los Angeles, arriving in time to become the grandfather of John Connor from Terminator. He can be seen delivering milk in the background of the famous 'badminton tournament' scene.

Baron Stroganov died in 1988, aged 121. That's ancient.